'There's not a single arena of my life that hasn't been altered permanently."

I have been lucky enough to get some solid sleep this week. The bedtime routine has not been a smooth transition to sleep, but once sleep is achieved, Katie has been going from about 11pm to 6am. I, too, have been sleeping that stretch, as my body adjusts with her scheduling.

With sleep comes the ability for me to almost think straight. My head isn't spinning quite so much. I have found myself thinking more about this new role and our new family, and the new me. There's not a single arena of my life that hasn't been altered permanently. I also think the last time I was this lack-of-confident, I was in 7th grade.

I know going back at work, I will have a different prospective. When a parent hears something isn't quite right with their child, they know they've spent hours and hours committed to that child. Even if it's nothing you could have prevented, there's gotta be a sense of guilt. If Katie spits up because she over-eats, I feel horrible. I feel like it's my fault and I should have known better. Truth is, I don't know better, and all three of us are learning.

I thought coaching was maybe something that would remain constant. This is my 9th year with the same age group, same practice schedule, and with the exception of about four new swimmers, I know the athletes I'd be returning to on the pool deck. I learned otherwise this weekend, with, among other things, needing to pump in the family locker room twice during the course of Saturday's meet. The word doesn't magically stop when I'm not there- waiting for me to jump back into my normal role. My role as a mother dominates my existence. I don't think I'm complaining and I don't think any amount of information or foresight could have prepared me for this.

I could use an owners manual for her (We should pick her up when she cries now, right? She just ate, but she's still hungry, but I don't want her exploding.. do I feed her?). Adam has been amazing and we're usually in agreement on what to do, although both as unsure.